Guilt

Saturday morning, I have had my morning coffee and returned from my massage. I am quiet and contemplative. This afternoon I will go to a memorial service for one of my zen teachers. She was a wonderful woman, although, I guess I didn't know her well. She didn't share much of her personal thoughts. She was quiet and let her husband do most of the talking. I am feeling guilty that I didn't even know she was sick. I had fallen out of touch with them, haven't been to a meditation service for more than a year, maybe two, maybe more than that. In my guilt at not meditating, I evaded contact altogether. And now. And now I face it all head on and there is no turning away from it. What do I do in this helplessness, something I can change or solve or cure. I feel I made a mess and I can't clean it up. I want to run away and pretend I don't know anything about it. But I will take a deep breath and go, of course.

Catching up

Life seemed to get away from me lately. Here is a quick summary.

Regarding exercise:
I have been going to the gym after work (plan 2) and it has been pretty successful. I went 3x the first week, 2x + Sunday this last week. I do have less time and perhaps that is why I have felt more rushed than usual. But on the positive side, I feel less stressed after I get home.

Regarding culture:
Last Sunday (2/4) we went to see The Painted Veil. It is a beautiful film and a touching love story. I give it 4 out of 5 stars. Go see it if you have a chance.

On Friday night (2/9) we went to the opera! We saw Eugene Onegin. It was our first time at the Met and we thoroughly enjoyed it.

Regarding my life:
I was feeling really drained yesterday, partially due to a busy week at work, partially due to the late night Friday and maybe due to just being tired, in general. As a consequence, I wasn't productive and now I am not happy with myself. I caught up on a lot today and did go to the gym but I feel like everything happens so fast, I don't have time to process it. I don't have time to discuss things with my friends or family. I have all these micro imaginary conversations with people. I make plans that I never carry out. I have ideas that zoom around in my head until they fade away. I think writing about things here might help so I have taken time to create this entry. There is a discussion thread on one of my class forums about blogging and whether it is an ego-centric thing to do. I guess if the point is to get famous and have thousands of readers, one could conclude that. Why do people write diaries or journals? Why do people tell each other stories? I think it is partly to reflect on what has happened, to put some perspective on one's life. Maybe I write all this to slow my life down, to preserve a tiny bit of it before it is washed away in the stream of minutes and hours, duties and deadlines. Maybe as you read this, you will help me see myself as a person rather than a jumble of events and plans.

How to fit in the gym

I have been trying to lose weight, with gentleness towards myself. Nothing harsh and not too much deprivation. Well it hasn't been going very well. It seems that eating healthy may not be enough. I need to get more exercise. Also, I have been feeling like all my joints are wrinkled, if you know what I mean. I turn my head too far, it hurts. Not a lot, not like an injury. It hurts when I bend over to tie my shoe. My back is tight, my hips are tight, my ankles are tight. And this is with a 60 min massage every other week! But how to fit it in?

Here is my weekday schedule.

5:00 - 5:30 AM - Get up
5:00 - 5:45 AM - Make coffee, drink coffee, check online class site, read email
5:45 - 6:30 AM - Get ready for work, shower, dress, pack bag
6:30 - 7:04 AM - Drive to train station
7:04 - 8:20 AM - Train to NY
8:20 - 9:00 AM - Subway, walk to work (~10-15 min walking)
9:00 - 5:00 PM - Work (I have a 1 hour lunch which I usually use to do my classwork)
5:00 - 5:41 PM - Walk, subway to Penn Station
5:41 - 6:55 PM - Train
6:55 - 7:20 PM - Drive home
7:20 - 10:00 PM - Free time, dinner, spend time with Dima, schoolwork.
10:00 - 5:00 AM - Sleep

Some ideas I am toying with:

1. Just do a 15 min workout at home in the morning and in the evening, yoga, strength training (I have small dumbells and stretch bands). And then work out both weekend days.

Pluses:
Sounds easy
Not much disruption of my schedule
Still leaves me with free time

Minuses:
Will it be effective?
Will I do it?
Might also be easy to blow off.


2. Go directly from the train station to the gym. So that schedule would be:
6:55 - 7:30 - Drive to the gym
7:30 - 8:30 - Workout
8:30 - 9:20 8:50 - Drive home
9:20 8:50 - 10:00 - Free time, dinner, spend time with Dima, schoolwork.
10:00 - 5:00 AM - Sleep

Pluses:
Real workout
I usually like working out in the gym
I think I can motivate myself to do it every day (except Mondays when I go to therapy - which I am very good about going to so that suggests this would work too)

Minuses:
Losing a big chunk of free time/class work time.
I get tired if I get home late several nights in a row.
I sometimes have to stay late at work for seminars/networking/a journal club I lead
Maybe it will be too much.

3. Work out at work (there is a gym in my building I can go to for free) during lunch hour.

Pluses:
Convenient
Might fit into my schedule better than other options

Minuses:
Can't shower, will have to go back to work.
With clothes changing time, will only work out about 40 mins
Something always seems to prevent me from taking a lunch break
Will have to carry gym clothes to work.
I never used this gym, I don't know if I will like it.
Lunch time is a time to interact with my boss and I would lose this opportunity

4. Work out after work, in my work gym.

Pluses:
Convenient
Might be easier since I won't be tired from the trip home

Minuses:
I will still be getting home late (~8:30 probably)
Will have to carry gym clothes to work.
I never used this gym, I don't know if I will like it.
Losing a big chunk of free time/class work time.
I get tired if I get home late several nights in a row.
I sometimes have to stay late at work for seminars/networking/a journal club I lead
Maybe it will be too much.
P. sometimes work out after work.

Sleepy Monday

Monday morning, originally uploaded by millerhj.

I didn't get a chance to go to Morton as I hoped. I did get a lot of my school work done, although not as much as I hoped. I got caught up but didn't get ahead. No assignments completed a week before the deadline. Oh well. I made it to the gym on Sunday, too. That was good. I know I need to incorporate more exercise into my life but I honestly don't know when. Maybe in the evenings, although motivation is a problem there. I guess I could get up earlier... 4 AM perhaps. Some people do it. My gym doesn't open until 6, to late for me to go before work. I will try to think about all my options and write a post about it later. Maybe you have some advice?

Weekend - Mostly school

Black-capped chickadee,
originally uploaded by millerhj.

It is 6:30 AM on Saturday. I just installed Firefox 2.0 and some cool extensions. Enough playing though. I need to get a lot of work done for school. It is bitter cold outside, so it feels nice to stay inside today. I hope to go Morton wildlife refuge tomorrow. That is where the chickadees, titmice, and nuthatches eat out of your hand.

Where are the comments?

dessert, tea and coffee, originally uploaded by Saffron.

I was hoping that this blog would be a conversation of sorts, like all of us sitting around drinking beverages, coffee, tea, wine, ... except at different times. Please join me.

In over my head

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with school and work today. I am running and trying to catch up. I hope I do ;) I have had stuff after work two days in a row. Monday it was my therapy and last night, the journal club I run for the postdocs at work. Two days getting home after 8 pm. I have an essay due in one class and I haven't done the reading or kept up with the discussions in either. I hope to spend some quiet time today at work doing these things. Last two days at work it was one thing and then the other. Ok, nearly 6 am time to get ready for work.

Joe Purdy

I made a kaboodle account and added a badge about the music I love or am listening too. My long commute has given me lots of time to listen to music and my ipod is as important to me as my bottle of water or umbrella for providing me a comfortable day's travels.

I learned about Joe Purdy because one of his songs was featured on Lost. Right now I am listening to his song, "Blue in the sky" from You can tell Georgia.

I can see blue in the sky when its raining.

Very nice song.
And another from the same album, "Balcony/Green eyes"

Green eyes are better than blue, I ain't trying to be mean, just telling the truth. It's enough to make me run away with you. Green eyes are better than blue.

It says something to me about the fickleness or inexplicability of human desire.

New haircut

New haircut, originally uploaded by millerhj.

Saturday library stuff

My classes are in full swing. Today I had a massage and a haircut but most of the day was spent at my desk. I have two classes this semester. One is called "Information Resources: Organization and Access" and the other, "Digital Libraries." Both seem like the will be interesting as well as challenging. I also spent some time playing with our book collection at Library Thing. I played with tagging and imported some more titles. I currently have 581 books cataloged there. I have at least 400 more at home. I would really like to add all books I borrow and read as well. I joined as a lifetime member to support this great library project. I also ordered the Cuecat scanner to make adding new books easier. I added a widget on the right side that shows a few of the book covers, it changes every time the page is reloaded. I am feeling very librarian!