Guilt

Saturday morning, I have had my morning coffee and returned from my massage. I am quiet and contemplative. This afternoon I will go to a memorial service for one of my zen teachers. She was a wonderful woman, although, I guess I didn't know her well. She didn't share much of her personal thoughts. She was quiet and let her husband do most of the talking. I am feeling guilty that I didn't even know she was sick. I had fallen out of touch with them, haven't been to a meditation service for more than a year, maybe two, maybe more than that. In my guilt at not meditating, I evaded contact altogether. And now. And now I face it all head on and there is no turning away from it. What do I do in this helplessness, something I can change or solve or cure. I feel I made a mess and I can't clean it up. I want to run away and pretend I don't know anything about it. But I will take a deep breath and go, of course.